You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
