My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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