This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
