i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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