Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
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