i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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