The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Ladies don't puke and tell
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Randomize
