what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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