According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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