My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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