Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
