...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
