We named our party play list daddy issues
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Randomize
