On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
