I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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