He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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