Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
