I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
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