Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
