you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
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