My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
