god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
