Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
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