I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
