My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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