did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Enjoy the penises
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
