his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
