Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
