Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
