I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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