Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
