sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
My feet surprised me
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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