don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
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