im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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