I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Blood and glitter go together right?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
