The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
