that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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