Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
