I just gift wrapped bread.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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