When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
