the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
