i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
