Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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