i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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