I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
