Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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