She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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