I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
Welp...herpes.
this beer tastes like vomit already
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
