I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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