I met the friendliest cop last night
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Floor bacon is actually really good
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
