This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
